BUCKEYE HATE WEEK: Installment Two

Gifts That Keep On Giving
A play in one act

A spherical shape looks around the corner, the darkness of the bedroom, candlelit and sanguine, reveals nothing of the onlooker's personae. Rufus, aware of the aberration that lurks in his abode, betrays nothing of this knowledge. The lurker coughs, and, embarrassed of betraying his location, shuffles deeper into the darkness.

Rufus: Et tu, Brute?
Lurker: Yes, it is I.
Rufus: What brings your personage here on this day? You know we are to meet each other in combat upon the coming of this Saturday.
Brutus: You know why I come. Ever since I saw you, riding your biwheeled chariot of war, I dream only of traversing your manliest of manlies.


Rufus: Poor Brutus, don't you see? The motorcycle is but a facade. I am a learned man, the bike is but a foil for the team. As you should know, intellect is craved not by those upon the field of pigskin combat, only brawn and valor are desirous.

Rufus points to the far wall of the bedroom, row after row of books are found. Brutus, finally leaving the shadows, walks to the wall. He fingers a few titles, picking one up randomly.

Brutus: Dez cartez?
Rufus: You mean Descartes?
Brutus: I know nothing of DezCartez.
Rufus: One of the many reasons why we cannot be together.
Brutus: These books mean nothing to me anyways, it is you I crave.
Rufus: How can you turn your back on intellect in this way? This is the foremost reason why my lungs expand and my neurons fire. What sort of reasoning can lead one on such a foolish path of drudgery?
Brutus: It is because I cannot read.
Rufus: Cannot read?
Brutus: No, it is my great shame. That, and my pulsating ovaries.
Rufus: Surely this cannot be? Illiterate?
Brutus: No, my parents were married when they made me.
Rufus: (Shaking his head) No, I mean you honestly cannot read?
Brutus: No, I cannot. And my ovaries pulse like a cell phone on an everlasting vibrate.
Rufus: I care not about your ovaries. But your illiteracy confounds me. How did you get into the University of Ohio State?
Brutus: I told you, my parents were married.
Rufus: Never mind that, I must teach you to read. I cannot allow the head dignitary of the state university of Ohio remain so little a scholar, and so much a miscreant.

Rufus strolls to the bookshelf and picks up a thin book.

Rufus: Here, we'll start with this. My nephew loves this one.
Brutus: I am desirous of this ability. To be able to read would surely enhance your fondness of me. All I want is to be nurtured by those RAWRCATZian paws.
Rufus: If that is what you desire, you shall have it. But only when you have gained the knowledge of the written word.
Brutus: I am forever indebted to you. My ovaries pulse, my wetness knows no bounds, I can only think of one form of repayment.
Rufus: And that is?
Brutus: Happy Ending.

End Scene.