Moving on, as you know RAWRCATZRAWR! is dedicated towards bringing you the straight facts on the enemies of the divine RAWRCATZ! This week is no different. With that in mind we would like to spend some time elaborating on the lesser points of this week's opponent: Northern Illinois University.
1. They breed their huskies in puppy mills.
Just like the University of Connecticut and the University of Maryland Baltimore County, Northern Illinois University has a dog for a mascot. But unlike these and several other fine canine centric teams, NIU has an extensive puppy breeding program with which they raise their elegant, but ultimately flea riddled mascots.
Look at this people. DOGS IN CRATES. Dogs are one of the earth's most majestic and loyal creatures. At no point is a dog ever supposed to be stuffed in a crate. Except for pugs because they are stupid and breathe like they have emphysema. But all other dogs are to be kept out of crates at all time. They aren't cattle folks. Cattle are delicious and should be treated as thus. Dogs, however, are not delicious and should never be eaten or treated in this fashion. Someone get PETA over to DeKalb right away.2. NIU are a band of gypsies.
After the Chernobyl fiasco forced their relocation from DeKalb, the board of directors over at NIU decided that instead of spending millions of dollars on a new campus, they would set up shop wherever they pleased. Now I know what you're thinking, Brad Pitt played a gypsy in Snatch, and that movie was awesome. But we're not talking bare knuckle boxing, alcohol swilling gypsies full of awesomeness. Regular gypsies kick ass. These are faux-gypsies, and they missed the boat on what the gypsy lifestyle is all about. Come to think of it, they are to gypsies what Cher is to gypsies. An abomination. Then again, Cher is an abomination in any scenario.
3. NIU was built on an Indian burial ground
NIU's first president, who's name is completely forgettable and insignificant, was quite the bigot. After the board of trustees was created to pave the way for the new establishment, this man, whoever he was, went on a tour, asking the local Indian population of their most sacred spots. The one that they pointed out the most was a sacred burial ground where their most honored warrior chiefs were buried. This guy, who is not mentioned because his descendants have connections, built is residence on that very site. Ever since then NIU has been condemned to mediocrity. I mean, their football team has 1 MAC title ever, and this is the school that produced Garrett Wolfe and Michael Turner. How do you not win the MAC with Michael Turner? Answer: Your school is built on an Indian burial ground. That's the kind of karma you don't want to mess with.
As we have illustrated Northern Illinois University is a total and thorough abomination of an institution. The fact that they are allowed to grant degrees is appalling. However, their football team will prove to be quite a test for our RAWRCATZ! Hopefully the Honorable Coach Solich will take these facts, and use them as motivation. For this surely is a fight of good vs. evil.
RAWRCATZ! are always GOOD and never EVIL.
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