Friday, November 6, 2009

RAWRCATZ versus The Ocean

The Ocean. It is big, it is menacing, it is salty. Since the RAWRCATZ don't have a game until Tuesday we will spend this Friday ruminating on a particular kind of foe.

The state of Ohio does not border an ocean. Sure, Lake Erie is big, but it barely even registers as a great lake. I'm not even going to capitalize "great lakes" because Lake Erie is kind of lame. It is no Ocean (see, caps), that's for sure.

So in lieu of an actual opponent this weekend, let's make one up. My pick - The Atlantic.

Reasons for the Atlantic:

Geographically it is the closest ocean. It is also growing while the Pacific is shrinking, thus making it the dominant of our nation's coastal waters.

Travel expenses to the Indian Ocean would be astronomical, and we'd probably have to stay on a cruise ship or in some third world country. We already have to fight off Swine Flu, I wouldn't want the team to be exposed to typhoid fever and the bubonic plague of death as well.

Is the Arctic Ocean really an ocean at all? I just thought it was a mass of ice. Also, if you are going to travel a long distance, why go some place cold? That is why the NCAA lets you play 13 times if you go to Hawaii. Vacations rule.

The Pacific Ocean, as noted above, is the Atlantic's bitch. There's no need to play inferior talent. I mean we already played the LolHawks. One smiting is enough.

So now that we have settled on an opponent, it is important that we diagnose their strengths and weaknesses.


-Effing huge
-Has sharks
-Largest mountain range on the planet
-Contains salt


-Hurricane season largely over
-The Perfect Storm was filmed in it
-Not as much salt as Frank Solich
-Whales are gay


The AO (acronyms BOOM!) will try and use its vast size advantage... to its advantage. Our smaller players will have to be shifty to avoid the pratfalls of becoming fodder for wave after wave of wave attacks. The salt is largely neutralized by Frank Solich, unless the AO is smart enough to construct a replica Solich out of sea salt. In which case all might be lost.

With the loss of their Hurricane offense their attack will be mostly neutralized, but their blanket defense, especially their d-line along the Mid-Atlantic Ridge will punish the RAWRCATZ and their ability to distribute the ball on quick strikes that negate the effects of the ridge will be paramount to our success. There is literally nothing we can do about the sharks. Sharks are fucking awesome.

Predicted Outcome:

If the RAWRCATZ want to win this battle of titanic forces (remember, the AO actually has the Titanic as well) they will need to be on their toes. This is a winnable game though. I have a feeling it will come down to a Matt Weller field goal, and that kid is Fort Knox Money.

Final Score: RAWRCATZ - 34 Atlantic Ocean - 32

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